x_Fading_X_Away's Xanga

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 23:53:14 GMT

I haven't written in this since Fisher's suicide, I see. Wow,that was a sad time. We went up to the graveyard today,which alot of people do on Easter for some odd reason. And I saw his grave, along with alot of my family.

But that's not why i'm writing in here. There are some things that I feel like I need to talk about.

I've recently been having this problem. I've been feeling very anti-social, but the weird part is that it's my fault. Many times before..I'd hang out with my friends everyday for a long time, and then disappear for a while and just chill with the closest friends. That was mainly because I would find myself caught up in alot of drama, so I would decide to lay low for a while and then just pick everything back up later after everything kind of settles itself.
Well, that isn't really the case now. Recently I got out of a relationship (that relationship of mine that's lasted about two and a half years on and off). For the first week,I felt a little relieved thinking it was finally the end. I had grown pretty tired of him all together. After a while,though..I started to feel a little lonely,so I decided to try to get in touch with my old friends and try to meet some new guys. But I found myself being bored. I realized how much i've grown up. My friends seem to do the same old things they've always done,and I felt uninterested in all of it. Not only that, but any guy I met..I didn't find appealing. I don't mean appealing as in unattractive, I mean just not appealing in general. I felt annoyed and bothered when they would show up at my house unexpected, or let me know that they were interested in me.

So a few days ago my ex gave me a call. I wanted to tell him to go to hell, but since I was bored with my life and wasn't interested in anyone else at all,I gave in. And of course we ended up back together. But I feel like I really made a big mistake..

Friday, August 12, 2005

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 05:24:06 GMT

So Fisher committed suicide yesterday..

What the hell man,even though me and him drifted apart..it's really sad. He didn't seem like the type. So when I found out,I guess he took a bunch of pills and stuff,and I was like "Are you sure it wasn't an accident?"..I guess when they found him his wrists were all cut up as if he first attempted to slit his wrists and changed his mind.

It's really depressing. How could someone do that. Out of all the times I thought about committing suicide myself,I always thought of another reason to live. Maybe things aren't always going great,but they can get better. It's possible. He really did have alot to live for.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 21:56:38 GMT

So yeah,I came to the conclusion that I don't use this Xanga,I probably still will sometimes which is why i'm keeping it.
But I have another one .. tragedys_remnant

Just letting you know.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 21:55:30 GMT

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 07:43:40 GMT

Hi.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 20:44:24 GMT

I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AINT ONE.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 18:52:56 GMT

Hey.

Alot has happened recently...Ahem..

I lost the baby. Actually I don't know why i'm lying..I got an abortion.And there are those that are proud of me for making that decision and those that are upset with me.I'm well aware that I had sex and got pregnant and it should have been my responsibility to give that child a life.But it would have needed a life it would deserve and I don't think I could have given it that.I mean,sure I just could have given it up for adoption..But I couldn't have done that.I would have been attatched if I went through nine months of carrying the baby and then go into labor and everything and plus medical bills and everything that my mother did not want to pay,I was putting her through alot by getting pregnant because she would have had to help me out.I am under age and I can barely take care of myself.I want to have kids someday just not right now.Now is not a good time.And plus,the father of it has all kind of disorders and me,being only a kid myself,I would have to have the money to be able to support a baby and make sure it gets medical attention if needed and I don't have the money for that.And I want to make sure that my kids have a supporting father even if we didn't stay together I want them to have a daddy who will be there,and this guy is an idiot.He said he would have done the things necessary but he wouldn't have.Me and him don't really get along all that much and I just know I would have ended up being five months pregnant sitting in a house and he would be out with his friends partying not even giving a shit about anything.

Well,anyways..So I went and got the abortion,and my mother took me,and my grandma went for support. Well we got there at like,5:19 or whatever and my appointment was at 5:30,but I didn't even get it done until like 9 because I guess like three people called off that night and it was running slow and we were supposed to go see my grandpa after that because we were already in pittsburgh..but since I didn't get out of there until like 10 because afterwards I was all drugged,I barely even remember the actual procedure all I remember is afterwards they took me into a room and gave me some medication for cramps and then she gave me a birth control shot and everything and my mom took me somewhere to eat after that.We didn't get home until like 12,I slept in the car the whole way home and then passed out as soon as I got to my bed.

Then my grandma,calls at like 5 am and left a message about an emergency and we called right back and,my grandfather had passed away.So we rushed to the hospital to say goodbye to him and everything even though he was already dead and it was soo fucking upsetting.My grandma kept going "Are they sure hes dead?" and kept swearing that she saw him move when he didn't.It was really depressing like everything happened at once.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 19:23:18 GMT

WONDERFUL.

wonderful,wonderful..

God,I love my life today.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 14:35:27 GMT

Hey people..Well,I'm bored,and this is a tad depressing. I can't do shit anymore..my friends are idiots.We were at lunch the other day and my friends are talking about how they want to get drunk this weekened but they needed someone with the money,which I was going to supply until I found out I was pregnant,but anyway..they're like "Why can't you just drink with us this weekened?" and I'm like "Uhh..I can't" and they're like "Well this person and this person drank while they were pregnant" and started giving me examples of why it won't hurt and I'm just like,wtf..I'm realizing now that that's all they think about.And my friends around South Wheeling are the same way, Christine fucking takes her baby with her and Heather hangs out with her all the time,and they go and get high and shit with little Austin around and it's stupid..I just don't want to hang out with anybody now.

And Patrick acts like he owns me or something. He said we should get back together and I said i'd think about it..because I know how well it would work..And he makes me mad because he spends sooo much time with me now and he gets on my nerves and I'll get mad and he'll be like "I'm your fucking baby's daddy,how can you get mad at me?" Like..Yesterday,he was walking down the hall with some bitch and he was acting all flirty like so I walked past and grabbed his arm and he turned around and I was like "What the hell was that all about?" and started yelling at him and he started talking about how i'm not supposed to get mad at him..Why not? Nothing has changed there, I can get mad at him if I want too..I don't need him. He's not essential..I kinda wish that he wouldn't want to be around..I want my kid to have a daddy but jesus christ,he needs to just leave me alone and be around strictly for the baby.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 01:56:43 GMT

I'm pregnant.